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[13 May 2006|08:42pm] |
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its funny how one day you feel a certain way and then the next day you feel completley different. it sucks. i've been fine the past couple of weeks i met a girl her names amanda shes nice i like her but i still miss nicole like crazy... i went to courtneys sweet 16 today and guess who was there, nicole. it was ok at first but i know myself and there was no good outcome. i will admit i had to get up and walk away because i started to cry. i miss her so much. and i hate it when i see another dude touching her but or holding her or hugging her. yes i know im selfish but oh well i miss her i love her and when we were togehter i said she was the one and she still is. i believe it. i dunno things are weird tho. i like amanda shes so awesome she makes me completely forget about why im sad but then when i have free time or when i get off the phone with her all i can think about is nicole. it seems to me like everything i say or do as something to do with nicole. i feel bad cause sometimes when i talk to amanda i would bring up a story about nicole or something and i find myself doing that alot. i dunno. i havent written in this thing in a while but it kinda feels good to let it all out. amanda went to new york this weekend with her chourus class or something. they went to see musicals haha she says shes so board. i want her to come back. i like spending time with her. im scared tho. i dont wanna get hurt again. its gunna suck too cause shes moving away to college in sept. so its not like we could have a long strong relationship or anything i mean once shes moves away to college i doubt we'll talk alot anymore but who knows whats gunna happen 4 months down the road. who knows whats gunna happen tomorrow. jeesh. like when me and nicole were together we said we would be together forever i think thats what ruined our relationship... we took it to seriously i dunno maybe not but i dunno i think seriously that if it came down to it i would spend the rest of my life with her. i love her and thats that. i love her parents her brother her family. i dunno theres something about them that sorta makes me feel at home when i would always go over but oh well cant do anything about that now. its all her decision from here. if one day she decides to come back to me i will take her in a heart beat as bad as it sounds i know but i say this now but who knows whats gunna happen like i said. hmph well i dunno i think im just gunna go. bye for now
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| hmph |
[12 Apr 2006|10:11pm] |
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mood |
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ultra blue - edit undo |
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let me start with yesterday. april 11th, 2006. it was sorta a hard day for me it was me and nicoles 7 month anniversary (if we were together) I miss her so much like unbelieveibly i never tought for one second that i could have these types of feelings for someone else. latley i've been trying to hide my sadness and cover it up but its starting to get to me. i just want things to go back to how they used to be. im thinking of going back to high school during the day i dunno i really miss my friends and just the fact of being a teenager in high school. it sucks because i have no prom, no banquets, and since i dropped out i've pretty much lost all of my friends and one thing that has been bothering me is that like 4 months ago me and nicoles relationship was amazing then it started to go downhill from there i think. seeing her everyday was great i miss it and i think thats the reason the relationship didnt work out. i wish i could go back in time just to see what my life would be like right now if i had just stayed in school. see how things would be different, see if me and nicole would still be together. i would do anything to have her back. she was my life. i say it over and over again but theres not much other i can say. i love her. its corny but me and her would always talk about mariage and like our life together and all that shit some people say that was the downfall of the relationship but i dunno i felt it made it stronger to know that she is the ONE and all that junk i dunno i just wish things were so different right now. jarred asked me a question the other day; "if there was one thing that you could go back in time and change what would it be?" and since that say i always try to think about what i would change but i really dont know what it would be because if you think about it if anyone changed like the past 5 mins it would change the whole world. like to go back 10 years ago and not meet someone or something you would live a whole different life and so would the other person so i dont think i would change anything in my life. as shitty as it seems right now i dont think its that bad. and i dunno surprisingly this journal really helps lol but ya another thing thats been bothering me is my father. hes suck a jerk and his fucking girlfriend. hes been gone for a while and she promised me that when he came back that we would go out for my birthday he came back for 5 days and he didnt even call me i had to call his girlfriend to talk to him. he never come through with anything. it sucks i think thats part of the reason im depressed because most people have a dad to look up to maybe their parents arent together but most people have someone you know and he wasnt there for me at all through my whole life. i wish i never broke my hand at my damn party. punching things solves nothing remember that kids. i've been out of work for like 5 or 6 weeks now... and it just sucks no money im so bored with my time. i could have a car right now if i had been working but no i have to be a fuckin dumb angry kid and punch shit. thats another thing i hate about myself is my anger. i've been trying latley to fix that and i've been doing a good job for the most part but i flip every once in a while i just hold things inside and then all of the sudden i burst. well this is so long im sure no ones gunna read it so im gunna go for tonight.
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| a little left out. |
[08 Apr 2006|10:34pm] |
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the postal service - sleeping in |
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today me, broy, zack and kirsten all chilled at katie g's house. zack has kirsten, (at the moment) broy had katie i just felt left out kinda... thought about nicole the whole night. i cant get her off of my mind. dont get me wrong i think about other things but shes mostly on my mind. i cant deal with this depression it sucks. i get no sleep. cry almost everyday for no reason. i just wish she would come back to me. nothing is the same. i barley hang out with my friends anymore because it kinda seems like since they were nicoles friends first that no one wants to really chill with me. it feels kinda shitty. knowing that i have pretty much no friends, no life, nothing. i am seriously thinking about joining the marines. its hardcore but i think it will be good for me. i have nothing good going in my life at the moment so i mine as well go risk it. i just feel not right. everything seems so out of place. and everything seems so like different. me and nicole said we would still be friends but its been like 3 weeks since i've seen her or something. i try to call but no one answers. i try to text message but i get nothing back. it just seems like i've been forgotten. jarred is the only person i can really rely on. alex has been acting weird latley but oh well. thats all i feel like writing for now maybe later.
bye
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| A New Beggining |
[07 Apr 2006|04:03am] |
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eye sore - new found glory |
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this seems really weird being on this web site again. i went thought my old username and just read everything from two years ago. its really weird to think how back then i was a whole different person but it was still me. tonight was a weird night for thinking and just pretty much everything. i thought about pretty much life in general all night and how i think oil will eventually run out and water and the world will crumble. i dont think it will happen in any of our life times but i think it will eventually happen. when i dont smoke i pretty much feel like this. i find weed to be almost like a calmer downer for me if that makes sense like it makes me not think about shit and i fall asleep. i dunno the past few weeks have been pretty tough for me with nicole and everything i just feel like our time was cut short. i look back to when i went out with my ex-girlfriend alyssa and i said i loved her but i look at nicole and see how i feel and know i never loved alyssa. nicole is/was my first love. i dont think theres a way around anything or a way out of it. if something is going to happen its going to happen and i've come to the conclusion thats life itself is like bullshit. tell me not that everyone builds shit up so much and then everything just falls nothing ever works out and when it does i mean its great but... the purpose of life is pretty much to preserve it i think and thats why we reproduce thats why everyone looks for love. possibly it is the greatest but worst thing in the universe. i wont even get on the subject of the universe i have so much to say about that i dont even think its like worth trying to explain. i miss her. i miss her mom and her dad and her brother. i miss the kisses. i miss the hugs. i miss the talks. i miss everything about her. it fucking sucks. i miss the portugee talk and the food. i miss her eyes. and her voice. it makes no sense to me how things work out like this. i am so hurt. i know how i am in love because i get a feeling deep deep in my gut. i cry for no reason out of the blue. it just hurts. i honestly would and will spend the rest of my life with her.
maybe this stupid web site will help me out a little bit... get some emotion out.
well i guess i will write tomorrow.
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